Relight my fire

I am so uninsipred! I am a walking dead. :(

This is a HUGE problem for me. Not having a purpose in life. And passion. And being so unmotivated.

And I kind of know what the culprit is. Ahahhahaha.. And it starts with a big 'C'. It sound like my favourite fish that I love eating raw. Hahahahha.. Sharp ones out there would know what I am referring to. :P

I guess being made to do things that I am not passionate about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week really takes a toll on me.

I get my lazy, lethargic ass off my bed everyday to work and sit in front of my computer with no feeling purpose (even when I have things to do!) for 8 hours a day! I don't feel for how the brand is being marketed. I don't feel for the company. I don't think too highly of how the whole place is being run. I hate working for people who do not know their stuff and can't decide what they want. I don't get to use my brains!! I miss using my brains! :( It's kind of in a coma right now...sometimes I walk around not knowing what I am doing anymore. Even at home. I just walk around and do stuff like my body is on auto-pilot, my mind and heart someplace else.

Oh god, this is depressing me. I want to be sharp, alert. I want to walk around with bounce in my steps. I want to feel important. I want to have a purpose in life. I want to be sharp! I want to do so many things. I want to be passionate! I want to 'be there' when I'm there. I want to experience everything in detail and not be there in a blur. I want to store my memories in a nice, safe place in my mind and not forget every damn thing!

Sometimes when I read the papers, I don't even know what I am reading anymore. What is happening to me?!?!

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP~!

Today is for you, Yenz ~

Was just reading my sister's blog in my office today. God, was it a wake up call for me. First of all, as to how oblivious I was to all my sister's suffering and pain. Second of all, how real and deep a pain one single person can cause.

I'm sorry, Yen, I should have been more aware of your silent suffering. I know there wasn't much that I could have helped you with, but at least I could have been there to comfort you and let you know that you have a sister that cares a lot about you. But I wasn't there for you during your difficult times. You have always been there for me whenever I needed someone.

Through the years, I've seen soooo many friends come and go..and boyfriends. Those whom I thought so dear. They just walked out of my life and disappeared just like that. But you, my dear sister, you have always been there. There is a saying that says that the only constant thing in life is change. But I feel that YOU are a CONSTANT in my life. For 24 years now, you have always been by my side. And I know you will still be for years to come. Until the day you or I drop down to the ground and die. That is why you are someone I hold so dear to my heart. I'm really sorry I was too blind to see. But know that it never means that I care any less about you. I want you to ba happy and have a good life. So please take care of you health and get more rest ok? Yenz, if I've never told you this, I love you! :*

This year, I vow to be more sensitive towards the feelings of my loved ones and be there for them at their time of need, as they have always been for me.

This year, I choose to be happy and not let things that I have no power to change bother me.

This year, I choose to be thankful for all the things I have been blessed with. To love all the beautiful things that life has given to me. To love all the pain, suffering and bad times I've had to endure, for without which, I would never be able to realise and cherish what I have in my life today. I would have simply taken everything for granted. And it was all the bad times that made me a stronger person today, gave me a better ability to love.

This is to all women out there (deserving women, at least!) :
Never let any man trample over your heart like that. Men who do that are JUST NOT WORTH IT. Move on, move forward. Change for nobody but yourself. Enjoy the beauty of life. And along the way, you will definitely find that special someone who will love you and treat you the way you truly deserve. By then, make sure you open up your heart to accept this 'little gift'. You will never be happy if you keep your heart closed. Learn to love yourself first and true love will come looking for you.

I am living testimony of this. And I thank all my lucky stars that I have been given a second chance at happiness. :) Mmmm...I love my boyfriend so much! I love you, Raja Izan! You make my world so beautiful! :)

p/s: I cried in the office while writing this post, Yen!